[Subnuts]

A joint project between myself and members of the Uboat.net message boards. Don't take it too seriously! :8

1. 85% of all sinkings by U-boats in WWII resulted in the survivors being killed in a machine gun massacre.
2. A depth charge explosion a few feet away only shakes the boat.
3. A submarine can ram a heavily armed q ship on the surface, in broad daylight, without receiving a single shot in return, but only if the commander has a grim enough look of determination on his face.
4. A submarine's nuclear reactor is usually four-feet wide, and consists of 20 metal bars in a box.
5. A two-ton torpedo can be reloaded manually in about five minutes.
5. A typical boomer crew will be "on edge" by the 10th day of a 70-day voyage.
6. Air compressors never need to be activated, they have enough high pressure air for the whole trip.
7. All injuries can be fixed with an arm sling.
8. All patrols were required to have extensive, close quarters depth charging - which would cause damage that could be cured with the mysterious 'hull damage' valves scattered throughout the boat.
8. Any type of surgery can be performed on a sub.
9. Batteries never need water.
10. Chrome plating is stylish and functional.
11. Depth Charges can crack you spine and knock your teeth out.
12. Destroyers will not notice the submarine barreling towards them at flank speed in broad daylight. Unless the ship they are escorting explodes. When that happens, they MAY notice you.
13. Diesel engines do not make any noise that can be heard in the boat.
14. German Steam-powered torpedoes had the explosive yield of a quantum torpedo.
15. German U-boats had cozy lounges.
16. If sighted by a destroyer by the surface, the appropriate plan of action is to move in front of it and attack.
17. If you're in a vicious depth charge attack, it's okay to lay down in the forward torpedo room underneath a torpedo.
18. If you're onboard a foreign submarine, run around screaming like a Girl "it's all in German/Russian/etc.!"
19. In order to badly damage a U-boat, you'd need a 20,000 pound bomb to explode within 15 feet of it.
20. Lightbulbs have 500 amps of current surging through them.
21. Modern passive sonar displays look like '40s radar screens.
22. Modern submarines have really big, fully equipped washrooms.
23. Naval regulations state that the Captain and XO MUST hold a grudge against each other.
24.No matter how serious the injury, just give em a smoke and they get better.
25. No one ever gets dirty.
26. No one has to wash the pots or dishes, they are always clean.
27. Nuclear reactors were installed in order to produce more exciting propulsion malfunctions. Diesel engine breakdowns were too boring.
28. Ohio-class submarines carry enough small arms, camouflage fatigues, and bullet-proof vests aboard for an entire platoon.
29. Only one periscope is needed. No need to use a different periscope to check the sky for planes.
30. Passive sonar can hear right through the back of the submarine moving at full speed.
31. Research submarines typically carry enough nuclear weapons to destroy 150 cities.
32. Russian submarines are not equipped with fire detectors or sprinklers.
33. Russian submarines has grapple bars on the ceiling, in case it's sinking to it's doom.
34. Russian torpedoes have seeker heads that can "see" 2 1/2 degrees to either side.
35. Someone always knows better than the Commander.
36. Someone always trips or drops something to make noise while silent running.
37. Standard "quiet operating" procedures excludes "Boom Box cranked up to 10."
38. Test Depth is merely a suggestion.
39. The batteries never need to be recharged. One can go any speed for as long as one wants.
40. The Best way to avoid an enemy submarine is to get really close to it, blasting it with active sonar.
41. The boat is always in trim no matter how many torpodes are fired.
42. The Commander is usually between the age of 50 and 65.
43. The crew never has to close or open valves or shut off the diesel engines to dive. All you have to do is say "dive! dive!", sound the alarm and everything else is automatic.
44. The same crew operates the boat 24 hrs. a day.
45. The XO should bring along his golf clubs because they will be needed for actuation handles.
46. There are never any sleeping crew members.
47. There is only one person that does all the cooking.
48. Torpedoes always work.
49.While on the surface, the commander will boast about how "nobody will detect us now!"
50. You can always get away from a destroyer by just saying "rig for silent running".
51. You can disguise an American submarine as a U-boat by painting a giant Swastika on it. The Germans will not be fooled by this never-used marking.
52. You can fix any damage in a submarine by turning a valve. Pressure hull smashed in? Just turn that valve!
53. You can fix any electrical problem by changing a fuse.
54. You don't need a range, course, or speed to fire an unguided torpedo. Just a bearing.
55. You just need to press a button to fire a torpedo.
56. You simply have to press a button to flush the head.

[wolfh20]

3. 37. 43. & 44. really had me laughing for awhile

[Sailor Steve]

Did you know you had two '5's?

[Bruno Lotse]

Very good

Real Hollywood or Russian from PQ17 submarine.

Now, try Das Boot. I suspect, she will change your mindset on subs. :hmm:

[Abraham]

[Kapitain]

thats good real good !

[skriblz]

[Sailor Steve]

Also two '8's.

[Abraham]

[Pax Melmacia]

a) If the crew's American, they always manage to shave and press their uniforms at sea; and they rarely curse or stink;

b) Even with WW2 passive sonar you have a fair chance of hitting an enemy sub heading straight for you underweater with one torpedo;

c) Torpedos are 95% reliable;

d) WW2 radios work even if you're sitting at the bottom;

e) (See #2) The Depth Charge that rolls off a submerged boat's deck and then explodes does minimal damage